Main Boards => VGMaps Social Board => Topic started by: TerraEsperZ on June 10, 2009, 12:22:36 AM

Title: Things are constantly changing, as they are wont to
Post by: TerraEsperZ on June 10, 2009, 12:22:36 AM
Things have been moving in my life recently or rather, they've been moving all around me. I'm not directly being affected, and yet I feel the effects everyday.

Several months ago, one of my uncle on my father's side died after fighting the effects of failing kidneys for several years, including dialysis, an almost-failed kidney transplant and several long-term infections that finally managed to get the best of him. Now, I love all six of my uncles, but he was still the funniest and most social one, so his passing in his mid-forties affected me and the rest of the family quite a bit.

Also, several months ago (already!?), my parents finally decided to get a divorce, something that my sister and I felt was probably a decade overdue. A lot of reasons are involved of course, chief among them the fact that my dad always resented being "dominated" by my mother who had a much stronger character than him (always being berated over trivial things, being made to be an idiot in front of people, etc). It probably sounds worse than it really was said like that (you can't summarize a marriage of 30 years in one or two sentences after all, and I do know that my mother has always had affection for him), but it was still bad enough that I grew up with a very skewed image of my father. It took me until college to really start re-evaluating both my place in the family (by standing up for myself to my mom for example) and the true character of both parents.

But the turning point was when, a few years ago, my mom had job burnout, and since she was very weak emotionally, my dad took care of her (because he felt affection for her too) but also took the dominant position during her recovery. So the role got reversed for a few years and, well, afterward they both stood up to one another and that created friction over the tiniest of issues during trips, family celebrations, etc.

The whole thing happened quite civilly actually; things were separated evenly, the house was sold, they both agreed that they could still hang with the same friends despite the separation (which was important for my mom since, having lost her father in her late teens, she practically adopted her step-father as her own) and last week they both moved out.

I have to say that having lived in the same house from birth up to the start of college, I find it sad that I'll never go back there again. In fact, the whole things makes me sad more out of nostalgia than anything else. You know, the idea of a united family, of a house that would pass from parents to children, of spending weekends in my childhood village, of family celebrations, etc.

I'm still not sure how things are going to go from here; trivial things really, but still, how are things like Christmas going to be handled? And on my part at least, there's also the fact that I'm really a lot closer to my mom than my dad, mostly for the reasons explained above. By the time I realized I was always siding blindly with my mom against him, it had become very difficult to really connect together, which wasn't helped by the fact that my dad is quite emotionally distant (I used to be like him too in fact). I get along with him very well, but we don't have nearly the same chemistry, interests and view of the world. With my mom, I can be totally honest on anything since we think alike and aren't afraid of saying what we really think and feel. With my dad, it's much harder to get his real feelings on things, especially if it puts him in a position of weakness. There's a lot of efforts still to be made to improve our relationship.

Anyway, I just needed to vent a bit, or rather, to organize my thoughts and feelings on the whole thing. Big changes tend to destabilize me quite a bit if I'm not prepared for them, but fortunately I usually manage to bring myself around pretty quickly these days.


Current project: Castlevania: Aria Of Sorrow (GBA)

Upcoming project: Castlevania Legends (GB)
Title: RE: Things are constantly changing, as they are wont to
Post by: Maxim on June 10, 2009, 04:59:24 AM

Most people can probably sympathise with at least some part of that. I reckon I can cover about 90% and add a few bonus items. The best advice I can give is not to over-think it.
Title: RE: Things are constantly changing, as they are wont to
Post by: JonLeung on June 10, 2009, 06:06:26 AM
Sorry to hear, Terra.

I can sympathize; at least with the difficulty with parents.  Not exactly the same situation, but there are some things in there that reminded me of my life.

Though it's good that your parents at least have affection for each other; I've never seen that from my parents at all for probably all of my life.  It's quite ridiculous, really.  But I won't get too much into that.

Maxim's right, though.  Overthinking doesn't help.  I probably spent a good deal of my life overthinking even the most trivial things.  Not that any of what you said is trivial.  But there comes a point when "thinking things through" doesn't really help any more.  No sense in worrying yourself out.  Once you get stabilized, move forward and don't dwell on past things that you can't change.
Title: RE: Things are constantly changing, as they are wont to
Post by: TerraEsperZ on June 10, 2009, 09:22:57 AM
Don't worry about me. Despite what my post suggested, I don't overthink things for long. The fact that I usually just go with the flow is why, after a few months of turmoil, I needed to sort things out to clear my head.

I wasn't losing sleep over all this because in the end, everything worked out alright. My uncle finally stopped suffering after years of constant pain and physical degeneration, and my parents finally gave themselves the chance to start anew and try to be happy after so many years of conflict. As for me and my father, well, there's nothing extraordinary I can do aside from being my usual supportive self and trying my best to draw him out of his shell.

I realize that my post sounded like I was bemoaning my fate and whining when I had no real cause to, but that wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share this with people I trust. Thanks guys.


Current project: Castlevania: Aria Of Sorrow (GBA)

Upcoming project: Castlevania Legends (GB)
Title: RE: Things are constantly changing, as they are wont to
Post by: TerraEsperZ on July 30, 2009, 10:34:37 PM
A little update for anyone who cares: since I started this thread, most of my fears proved to be unwarranted.

Two weeks ago during my vacations, I helped my mom paint her apartment as well as move some of her furniture in. She also might be seeing someone who makes her happy, even though she had no intention of starting anything serious.

As for my dad for whom I was the most anxious, it's also going great. I'll be visiting him this weekend in my hometown and he's already planed activities to do for the whole time I'll be there, which feels weird because we were never very close "buddies". But at the same time, I'm kinda excited since in a way, it's like I'm starting a whole new relationship with him and well, we now talk more honestly and about more stuff than before. It's hard to describe the feeling, but it's a good one.

I hope I'm not annoying anyone here by sharing my good fortune, but I'm so happy to have my family, and I'm really proud of the psychological evolution all four of us (me, my parents and my little sister) have undergone during the last ten years or so. We've all had to confront our inner demons and faults, and as a consequence, we're now capable of talking about our feelings to one another with very little censorship and without causing any bad feelings.

I mean, a few weeks ago, during dinner with my mom in a restaurant, I was telling her that 6 or 7 years ago she was actually quite the emotional manipulator. And at that revelation, she was half ashamed, half-amused because she has changed so much that those days where I would cower before her imposed will seemed almost alien to her.

And it's really great that my sister and I get along as well as we do now compared to when we were teens. I can trust her to always be brutally honest with me if needed, and she trusts me to be discreet when she confides in me and when she needs a calm and rational perspective on things.

Yup, life is good right now. The next step is to try my best to follow the "no fear, no regret" maxim :)


Current project: Little Samson (NES)

Upcoming project: Not sure yet either